Parenting has taught me how rare an uninterrupted sentence is. I’m not sure why I thought sleep would be any different. Mommy’s bed is valuable real estate and it’s regularly invaded by a bed space snatcher. I don’t know how something so small can take up so much space. It’s hard to sleep with a tiny elbow jammed in your knee, so I lay awake pondering my dilemma.
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When my child climbs into my bed, it’s like an episode of Dora. He’s an explorer of every square inch of the bed and occasionally he “Boots” me in the head. I just wish I knew how to say “get your foot out of my face please” in Spanish. Come on, vamanos! I would like to show him the Map to get back to his room. He blinks at me awkwardly. He asks questions in his sleep and I never know if I should respond. He grabs my sheets and I’m like “Swiper, no swiping!” It’s always far too late to be so animated.
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It doesn’t stop there. He’s secretly Gumby. He stretches to impossible lengths. I am surprised by the incredible flexibility of someone who struggles to tolerate even the tiniest variation to his schedule. I meet his sidekick Pokey in the morning trying to get him out of bed and his dog Nopey every time I try to get him to eat stuff like quinoa risotto. At that point, his entire vocabulary becomes “Nope.” A bed to myself would feel like a claymation vacation but it’s never my turn.
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My night ends up more like a board game collection. He knocks on my bedroom door like “Guess Who?” Then my kid ends up with a Monopoly of my bed sheets. If it keeps happening, there’s going to be Trouble. He’s always Sorry but he hogs the comforters like a Hungry Hungry Hippo. If he doesn’t get his toes out of my nose I’m going to need an Operation. If I can ever sleep through the night, I’m going to yell “Yahtzee!” It’s not Perfection (pop-up or otherwise) but it’s the Game of Life and I’m going to play it as long as I can.
I can’t finish a sentence and I’m definitely sleep deprived. Mommy’s bed is valuable real estate, but so is my heart. When I look at my son, I wonder how anything so small could take up so much space.
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